I Want To See Your Wings
by SunilaMoon
Summary: Many years may pass, but time has not healed the empty holes. I still see you, sometimes. Sometimes it's a stranger on the street, sometimes a voice on the wind, or even a glimpse of amethyst and silver. Implied CassianxJizabel, spoilers, R&R, Thank you.


**Authors note**_: Hello, and welcome to a rather dramatic fanfic. I would like to note, before you start reading, that each place where the paragraphs and such are divided is meant to be time passing. The first one begins less then a year after Jizabels death. The second, several years, and so on. Note that this does contain some implied CassianxJizabel. Enjoy._

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**I thought I saw you today.**

It happens sometimes, as I'm walking down the foggy streets of london, it happens. Usually it's just a streak of amethyst or silver, sometimes a figure I see walking ahead of me, or on those rare occasions a voice through the wind that chills my breath. I'll never forget you, this is certain, you had something _no one_ could easily forget.

From the moment I met you I knew this, even before I came to love you. Your calm and devilish demeanor, that mask you wore, your ability to seduce any gender with even the simplest of actions. It was true that you inherited your mothers beauty, that feminine element, it was prevalent. Your eyes, however cliche it feels to say it, where like calm oceans on a winter day... No... No, they weren't. They where rivers and streams, that slow water at the edge of the bank that gently twisted and turned through a peaceful forest until reaching the ocean at last: Those were your eyes. They held within them a devastation and loneliness witnessed only by those close to you, yet I was the only one who really saw it. To the rest of them, that misery was just a joke, just something to amuse themselves with. You weren't just a puppet with the Cardmaster pulling your strings, you were as much a deadly doll as any of his creations: A lethal and unremorseful porcelain doll. A person could get lost in those eyes, I suppose that was how you dealt with your victims, they were all so attracted to you, they all were compelled to trust you from the moment they spoke with you, the moment they met those eyes.

Did you know that I too fell for those eyes? I saw another side, for as I said before, I saw the misery reflected within them. That misery never once faltered until that evening, when the slow sparkling waters became still, empty pools. Then the sadness finally left them they where still beautiful, but only a shell... dull marbles. I was the one who closed those eyes for the last time.

I promised you once, I promised myself, that I would come back. I never cared if your wings were broken, or coated in thick grime. I'd carry you, you could have mine. They where never so beautiful as I know yours must have been at one time, but I'd give them to you any day.

I saw you today, just a glimpse of man passing me, though once came closer I realized I had been mistaken, such is always the case, and deep down I know this. Yet still a part of me holds out hope...

I promised once that I'd never let you stay a part of that hell, but I suppose I didn't break that promise did I? Even now as I walk down the bustling cobblestone street, I can see that clearing in the forest where I laid you to rest. The angel on that stone was meant to watch you, but maybe...just maybe, you took it's wings... Or perhaps in death you where finally free of those twisting chains, and where able to spread your own wings again. I knew that one day you'd be loved, you'd be happy... I was right, wasn't I?

Human nature holds a very selfish side. I can never get over this, no matter how much I reassure myself of your happiness. How can I, when you are gone.

**I thought I saw you again, today.**

It was as I was walking through the park one quiet sunday, the sun shining down as children played, and couples walked the gravel paths, the women's parasols in hand, and their dresses flowing behind them. The families that rested on the grass, enjoying light meals in the beams of the summer sun. They where so happy. People had also been happy here years past... and years before that... All these happy people. The children, The lovers, the families.

...and what of you, Jizabel? You never told me much of your childhood, you never told me much of anything. For the most part, you'd belittle me... and when you finally began to care, when you finally started to become open to my company, you held back again. Was it because you where too scared to be betrayed? I don't think it was ever that you hated people, but that you didn't trust them. We're the only creatures capable of deceiving in that way, but the love of an animal... The love you can find with a pet was unconditional, and after so much pain you where just afraid that once more you'd find a humans love to be nothing but a charade. See? I understood you.

...There was something very sexual about your nature, and nobody could deny it. Every tiny action could send a chill down the spine of any women, or man for that matter. You knew this your self, you where not innocent in that aspect in the least, on the contrary it was used to your advantage. From there you would only continue this circle of hate, I bore witness to what you did to Meridiana. You where no virgin.

I was often shocked by the things you where capable of, and there was the Cardmaster, smiling. Afterall, those where the moments when the similarities between father and son where horrifying, and so plain to see... Deep down, did you really want to hurt her? You never wanted to hurt anyone, did you? Even when you killed, or tortured, a part of your soul was screaming for it all to just end...

Then there was the other end lust, Cassandra. I kept my distance, but I read it like a book. As I said, you where no virgin. I wanted to kill that man, so many passions burned in me those weeks. When it began I never payed much a mind to it, I knew I didn't like him, but nor did I think that I cared that much for you...But soon I began to notice things... I began to notice the way your breath changed when he'd rest his hand on your shoulder, that lust in his eyes when his fingers where entwining in your silver tresses. I remember watching you one morning, out on the balcony in those flowing silk robes, you tilted you head ever so slightly letting your hand fall away from that beautiful neck, revealing the marks he'd left on you. You thought I didn't see them. I did.

I remember the nights that you didn't come back to your room, and the days that followed when you'd barely speak a word to me, or even make eye contact... and what of me?

I could say that my affection was normal, I could pretend that I loved you like a son, or brother... That would be a lie. Although I wished such lies could be true, I didn't want to feel that way, I'd never felt that way before... Nor will I ever. Your physical beauty and that of your soul both had me ensnared, though I will tell no one, and often I won't admit that to myself. I always wanted an adult body, _just to live_. That was all, to live a normal life... but then I wanted it so much more, to protect you, to hold you, and finally because I wanted you, all of you. I wanted to shield you from that wretched man, but I could not deny the pleasure I longed to give you.

Today in the park, I took a seat at a bench that rested just beneath an old willow tree. The pigeons liked to gather here, for so many people fed them they would always return. That was when I saw that child, running after his families dog, a gentle beast about as big as himself, before finally catching it, and falling into a pile with the canine under the cool shade of a nearby tree. The boy laughed, as the dog climbed to it's feet, licking his face. The child finally stood, bending down and brushing the grass off of his attire, although the grass stains and cuts on his bare knees could not be removed quite so easily. A voice called him, a man whom I presumed to be his father calling him back to eat lunch. He responded, and immediately ran to this man, eagerly hugging the mans waste, for that was all the higher a child his size could reach, before sitting down on the blanket and eating. Of course, his meal was not without the occasional sneaking of scraps back to the dog that sat eagerly behind him. It was just as he ran off to join his family that I caught a glimpse of those eyes. They where oceans in the summer, with a pure joy resounding, a joy that could not be broken for anything, for a child's happiness was immeasurable. They where so much like yours.

...And as I stood, walking from the park and towards the direction of my home, I couldn't help but think that he should have been you. You never asked for much, you only wanted the bare minimum, something that most would consider a human right. What kind of person had you been, Jizabel, if your childhood was like that? Would your eyes be even more angelic, would that innocence be intact?

You never received love from others, and when offered it, you shut me out.

Why?

**I came to see you today.**

It's been a long time, a very long time.

But there I was, standing in the rain and resting flowers beside that headstone. It was all rather amusing, since I knew the deers that often passed through this area would only come and eat them later in the evening. Or at least eat the ones that where safe for them, for they where smart creatures and where raised knowing the difference. I suppose your love for these animals has rubbed off on me? Alot of things did... You know, when I first left Delilah I was hard at work. It was not just a struggle to live for me, it was a struggle to live _and_ to put aside enough money for _us_. I knew that once I could save you I would be able to leave London, and we'd flee to a place where nobody knew the face I now lived with. There I could finally get decent work, I would find us a place to live, and I could take care of you. I had everything planned, and I certainly knew what I was getting myself into.

You where difficult, to say the least. I knew that wouldn't get any easier once I took you from that place. Infact, I dreaded that your state would be worse at first, once the ties to your father where severed and you no longer had that twisted sense of 'love' choking you. I knew that most of my time would be spent watching over you, and as I looked to that bright future, I still knew that there was no healing your deepest wounds. Your madness was too much... but I could make the rest better, I could keep the demons from you. I could help you see the light in the world, for I knew the only light you saw now was like dim candles burning out... I wanted you to see more then those dying embers, I wanted to show you the sun and the stars.

I knew that there was a fair chance you'd be a danger to yourself, and others for that matter, but I could control it. I was the only one who understood you, wasn't I? That made me the only one to help you understand others. The only one to help you reach some level of stability. I only one to help you smile again.

Our life would have been so happy once I helped you over the shakier terrain, I knew it... and, of course, I would spoil you, I couldn't deny that... Yes, I would have had to work hard, in that dream of mine I'd need to be able to provide a roof over our heads aswell as food for us... and a number of animals. Yes, I would have spoiled you, but it was something you needed... and if a newborn foal would make you laugh, really, truly laugh, I'd give that to you. I only wanted your happiness, I would be content even if you never showed that love to me. I'd be content. I'd be happy just watching you.

I was never able to talk to you like a man, nor like a lover... I spoke to you like an adult would to a frightened child, and sometimes I would scold you in the same fatherly matter. You lacked innocence, so many aspects of your mind had been blackened, yet still I would never even try to express to you how I really felt. I'd just hold you close to me, and at times when your emotions got the best of you, I'd whisper to you and try to calm the storm. Morning would always come, the tides in your eyes washing in calmly, and you'd deny having ever spoken to me the previous night. That was always how it was. You where that way 'till the end, and you never even knew. You never would know how much I loved you, nor would you know all the unspeakable things I wanted to whisper in your ear.

Those where the times I wept. Today, I wept as I let my hand fall from your gravestone.

You never knew, did you? I _did_ want to offer you the love you craved, but you never really knew.

Who was going to come to this place when I was gone? I was growing old, and I was the only one who knew or cared. Your memory... All the positive, beautiful things about you would be forgotten when I was gone, and nobody would ever...

I stood, pursing my lips, as I walked from the site. It would be getting dark soon, and the rain was coming down harder then before. I think I heard something, as I left... but even as I sit at home, replaying the events in my mind, I still am not entirely sure.

It was a voice on the wind, once again, those whispers I hear so frequently in dreams. I stepped out of the woods, my feet stepping onto the dirt road on the edge of the woods that lead back to town. I began my trek back, ignoring the sky as it weeped, mixing it's own tears with mine as the rain hit my face. There were few people out in times like this, I passed a carriage entering town, as the rain started even harder. The dirt beneath my feet was getting softer, turning to mud, and I picked up my pace abit, my face hanging low as I watched myself walk over the muddy terrain. It would be a good ten minutes, or so, until I reached the town, and I barely noticed as a man passed me on the road, dressed in white with a black umbrella in his hand. It all went by so fast, as he approached me, never speaking a word and raised the umbrella over my soaked form implying that I take it. Although I had not yet looked up from the rode, I accepted his offer, taking the umbrella in my hand, when to my surprise the man passed me in a direction leading _out_ of town, rather then turning back to seek shelter from the rain. My eyes slowly raised from the ground to question him, when I caught a glimpse of silver waves cascading gently behind him. My heart raced, and I my eyes rose in hopes of facing the man, who a this point had passed me, only to see no one, nothing more then a long road stretching behind me to the countryside. For a second I was inclined to think that my eyes had deceived me, however it dawned on me immediately that this spectre, as it would seem, had left me physical evidence, and my grip on the umbrella tightened.

Then it came. One last voice on the wind, and for once I understood it, although it almost pained me to... _"Thank you"_ it seemed to whisper, as the rain slowly turned to nothing more then a light drizzle before finally coming to an end.

...and now here I sit, alone, in my own home. My soaked clothing hung up to dry, as I sit at a chair by the fire, my eyes never leaving that umbrella that still rests in the corner, water dripping off of it and onto the wooden floorboards.

**I came back again, As the dawn came.**

As the sun rose on the following morning, I couldn't suppress my need to know, and so I made my trek back out to your grave. Before leaving my home, I closed the now dry umbrella, setting it safely in my closet, almost as if I feared it would vanish the same way you did.

I made my way through the forrest, where the raindrops still clung to the trees and plants, and finally I made it back to your resting place. The flowers where still there, and the ground was undisturbed. All was right, but something felt amiss in the big picture. I ignored this, and searched the area thoroughly before coming up dry. My heart sank, although I hadn't honestly expected anything, and I returned home. It was when I walked out to the back of my house, to check the clothes I had drying, that I was caught off guard. In the pocket of one of my shirts, the one I had been wearing the previous night, to be precise, my eyes came to rest on a role of parchment that had been tied neatly with a black ribbon. Most alarming, however, was how it was completely dry and perfect, as if it had been tucked into the pocket only moments ago. My breath caught my throat again, as I unwrapped the ribbon and unrolled the parchment.

It contained a simple message, short and simple, but It was the same handwriting that I had stared longingly at so many years past, it had that scent that I'd come to be intoxicated with, and finally...

_"You live in such regret, but why? You did your part, you saved me, and I regret nothing now. I knew, You cannot tear yourself apart over that. I knew I wasn't alone, and that was enough. Don't spend the rest of your years crying for me. I can fly now, everything has passed. Thank You."_

The ink began to run as my own tears started to fall over the parchment, my free hand wrapped tightly around the ribbon, which I'd just noticed had a strand of your hair on it.

That was where I stayed for the better half of the day, until I finally found the strength to stand, giving a brief nod and a smile before finally walking back inside and brewing a pot of tea.

**I don't see you anymore.**

Many years have passed since I first knew you, since we first said goodbye. Many more came and went since my last encounter with you, the memory of it still fresh in my mind. Every essence of you... _so fresh_ in my mind. The umbrella is still here, in my modest home. As is the ribbon, which is now wrapped gingerly around my wrist, for I always keep it close to me. The letter has long since vanished, though I know not when or how.

It was in those times that your memory finally pushed me forward to live, and live I have. I know that I am... Almost done living. I knew this day was coming for so long, as my health progressively slid downhill, all the aches and pains turning to something quite different... I shall miss this world, for over the years I've finally come to see the beauty it possesses. I slowly came to see both the beauty that neither of us thought possible, and the simplistic splendor of all the things _you_ loved in this world. I shall miss it...I don't know what awaits me now, What lies ahead, but I know this... when the light comes... if it comes for me...

When the light comes at last, I pray that you're the one to take me by the hand. I pray that you're the one to greet me with a smile, a real smile, the kind that I always longed to see. I want you to show me all that awaits, and finally let me hold you in my arms, even though you no longer need me for protection... but most of all, Jizabel...I want to see what I've waited over forty long years to witness...

I want to see your wings.

_FIN._

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**Ahem... Umm... Wow. That was quite the work... Since the fanbase for fics like this is so small, barely anyone will read it... This saddens me, since I look at this as my favorite work in ages. I was crying through parts of it, seriously. I spent several hours writing this, starting around 11:24 and finishing up around 3:26... (then went back and worked on cleaning it up the next morning) My god, Wow... Since few people will pay this fic much attention, may I ask that those who do read it PLEASE review, I'm begging you, It would REALLY make my day. Even an anonymous review would help me, but PLEASE, if you read, take the time to review. Thank you... Thank you very much for reading this fic.**

**Now, go listen to a sappy song or something... How 'bout... Fields of Gold, how's that? That's a tearjerker. xD Right?**


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